Who's your Daddy?
by SilverScarecrow
Summary: EisukeAgasa. That's right. AGASA. Need I say more? Involves the creepy shemale, Mpreg, and time paradoxes if you listen to Okiya, that is . X'D Rated T for obvious reasons. NOT written by SilverScarecrow. Details within.


Please note before you delve into this crackish DC fic that I did not write it. I harbor little affection for the shemale prostitute known as Eisuke.

I know the person that wrote this, and posted it on her request. (Actually, she begged me not to post it using her name, but it's too funny to resist.)

I'll not say who is the true other, just know that she's insane and shall be detained on some later date for filling my mind with scary images of old men, sex, and Eisuke. Ugh...

Enjoy, I guess.

* * *

It was a warm summer night at Agasa's house; the elderly professor had just warmed up a bowl of pasta and was sitting down to eat it. He was calm and happy about today's work.

Just then, the doorbell rang.

_'I wonder who that could be...'_ Agasa thought to himself as he rose to answer the door.  
Agasa opened the door with a smile, expecting to see Conan or one of the Detective Boys he loved so much.

However, this time was not the same. Today, there was a young teenage boy with a black pixie hair cut on his door step.

Agasa was puzzled by this boy, who he had never met. However, he thought that he looked familiar...

"Hello there, sir!" said the boy enthusiastically.

"Good evening, young lad," Agasa responded hesitantly.

"Yes, umm...I know you probably don't know me, but I'm friends with Shinichi. He asked me to come here to pick something up," The boy looked around for a second. "May I come in?"

Agasa thought for a moment. '_If Shinichi wanted to pick something up from his house, wouldn't he just come over himself? And if he couldn't, why wouldn't he send someone he knew?'_

"What is it in particular he needs?" Agasa asked trying to figure out this case.

"He said he left his cell phone here earlier today. He couldn't come because he went off with Ran to Tropical land after leaving here. Anyway, are you going to let me in or what?" The teen all but demanded entrance to his home.

"Okay, fine. You can come in. But only for a moment," said Agasa hoping to finish his meal and run off to bed.

He moved out of the way of the door so the teen could enter.

"Thank you, professor," said the teen bowing a bit, "By the way, my name is Eisuke Hondou. I believe Shinichi should have mentioned me at some point."

"Oh yes! Now I remember, the little Rena kid, yes?" asked Agasa having the sudden realization of whom the boy was.

"Umm...Rena kid?" Eisuke asked a bit confused.

"Oh, um...yeah... Anyway, where's that phone?" Agasa asked quickly to change the subject.

"Shinichi told me somewhere by the couch," said Eisuke moving towards the couch, "It probably fell between the cushions; I'll check."

Eisuke then bent down to reach his hand into the couch to search for the missing cellphone. Agasa then realized something else out about the boy: he had a really nice ass.

"I couldn't find anything there..." Eisuke mumbled as he rose up, "Any ideas?"

Agasa snapped out of it; he was too distracted by Eisuke's ass to think straight.

"Maybe in the bathroom, he used it right before he left," Agasa said as he came to.

"I'll go check there then!" said Eisuke as he trotted to the bathroom.

_'These are not normal thoughts for a man my age...'_ Agasa thought to himself, _'Got to focus. Where could his phone be...?'_

Agasa looked around the living room a bit looking for it, but to no avail. Then Eisuke came from the bathroom empty handed.

"Not there either..." Eisuke said displeased, "Any other ideas?"

"Um...I'm not sure..." Agasa answered. But for some reason, he was still staring at Eisuke's ass when he wasn't looking.

"Oh, I know!" Eisuke said realizing something, "Shinichi said he went to the laundry room before going to the bathroom! Maybe it's there!"

"That's possible; I'm running a load of clothes in the dryer right now. I'll come with you," Agasa said not wanting to lose track of Eisuke in his house.

Agasa and Eisuke made their way down to the laundry room. Haibara's lab was right next to it, so they made sure to be quite to not disturb her, though this would all change soon.

"You have quite a nice house here!" EIsuke said as if he's never been in a good house before.

"Uh...thanks..." Agasa said still preoccupied with staring at something he shouldn't be.

"Where do you think it could be...?" Eisuke asked staring at the dryer for a second.

"Probably over here..." Agasa said walking over to the pile of dirty clothes. He started searching though it until he heard the sound of someone getting onto the dryer.

Agasa turned around to see that the boy Eisuke for some reason had gotten onto the dryer and looked pleased about it.

"Umm...what are you doing?" Agasa asked confused.

"Just want to warm up my buns a bit!" Eisuke said joyfully batting his butt a bit.

Agasa had a mixed feeling on this. He thought it was disturbing for a 17 year old boy to warm his butt on the dryer. And yet he felt aroused, the boy was indeed hot, and not just in the ass department.

Agasa couldn't resist himself anymore. Agasa started ripping off his shirt. Then, just as Eisuke noticed this, Agasa grabbed him. Eisuke wasn't able to get away.

The details of what happened next are quite frightening. It involves a lot of man sex on a dryer, a pocket rocket, and a young seven year old girl; having heardthe dryer going off balance, she was walking in to fix it only to see a sight that would make the eyes of a blind man bleed.

Agasa soon woke up the next morning in a daze. He woke up on the laundry room floor and not knowing where he was the night before. _'Why am I naked?'_

He soon realized what happened when he noticed the young pixie cut boy with glasses passed out next to him; naked, except for a small towel covering his nether bits.

"Oh God! What have I done?!" Agasa said horrified.

Agasa got up quickly leaving the boy sleeping on the ground and made his way upstairs. When he got up there, he noticed a note on the living room table and the cell phone was placed neatly next to it.

_'What could this be?'_ Agasa thought to himself as he opened the letter and read it.

_"Dear Agasa,_

_After walking in on the frightening sight I witnessed last night, I do not plan to live here anymore. I'm sorry to tell you this, but I will now live at Kudo's house. Hell, I rather live at Gin's house than yours at this point.  
Here's Kudo's phone, by the way. I know I could have taken it with me, but I figured that would have been too easy for Kudo; I live to torment him, after all.  
_

_With disturbing images burned into her corneas,  
Haibara"_

"Ahh crap..." Agasa said out load realizing how his urges had now killed his social life with Haibara, and maybe Shinichi after she explains why she's moving in with him.

Agasa knew one thing now, he had to get rid of the boy, or face worse problems. He quickly went downstairs to remove the boy, but found him awake and getting dressed.

"Um...hello, Eisuke..." Agasa mumbled, knowing that things were going to be acquired.

"Oh, good morning, Agasa!" Eisuke said cheerfully.

Agasa was puzzled by the boy's cheery mode.

"Umm...did you sleep well?" Agasa asked trying to be polite.

"Hell yeah! Especially with you by my side!" Eisuke said giving Agasa a wink.

This confused Agasa further. He just raped the poor child and he's putting it off as nothing unusual.

"So...you don't mind what I did to you last night?" Agasa asked to clarify the situation.

"Not at all!" Eisuke said putting his pants back on, "I've had better though. Never on a dryer though, that was an interesting experience!"

_'He's had better?!'_ Agasa thought to himself horrified.

"Better?" Agasa asked again to clarify.

"Yeah, I mean even Shinichi did better," Eisuke said now putting on his shirt, "Best one I've done would have to be Heiji. He's a beast in bed!" Eisuke said lost in thought and blushing a bit.

'What the hell is wrong with this kid?!' Agasa thought, 'He's a bigger whore than Sonoko!'

"Any who, I got to go now," Eisuke said making his way towards the stairs, "I'll call you later if I want to hook up with you again!"

Eisuke went up the stairs and left out the front door. And Agasa was left there, lost in thought about how he just had sex with a creepy shemale whore.

* * *

Agasa for the next couple of days was left alone in his house thinking about what happened that night. Haibara never came back from Conan's house. Conan did come by the next day for the phone, but he had a scared look on his face and didn't look Agasa in the eye.

Eisuke never did call back, Agasa wasn't surprised about this. He didn't want him to call either. He hated the boy now for ruining his relationship with his friends. He had nothing to do now other than work on useless junk.

Then one day, Agasa's phone rang. It was from an unknown caller. Agasa was fearful of picking it up, but did anyway.

"Hello?" Agasa answered.

"Hey Agasa!" replied the caller, "It's me, Eisuke!"

"Oh..." Agasa was not pleased, "I know you said you might want to hook up again, but I really don't want..."

Eisuke cut him off, "Yeah, forget all that stuff, we have bigger problems here."

Agasa worried what the problems could be, "What's wrong?"

"Agasa....I went to Doctor Araide today..." Eisuke started, "And he says I'm...pregnant..."

Agasa was speechless. He couldn't figure out the medical mystery of a teenage boy becoming pregnant, and he feared why he called Agasa.

Eisuke, after a few seconds of silence, continued, "And I think you might be the father..."

"Hold your horses, my friend!" Agasa said scared, "Who knows if I am; you've slept with other people recently, haven't you?" _'Please say yes, you deranged, pregnant shemale…'_

"That's the reason I called you," Eisuke continued, "I need a house to invite all the possible fathers to and get DNA samples from them. And no house I can think of can fit them except yours."

Agasa was even more worried_. '"No house I can think of can fit them all." Just how many people has he slept with?!' _Agasa thought to himself.

"Um...sure, you can meet here I guess. It's the least I can do for you...." Agasa said hesitantly.

"Oh, thank you so much, Agasa!" Eisuke said happily, "We'll all meet over there later today. See ya then!" Eisuke then hung up the phone.

'What have I done?!' Agasa wondered to himself. _'I just let a whore-of-a-shemale invite a bunch of other possible whores into my house!'_ The damage was done though, so Agasa began cleaning up for the possible ton of people Eisuke has slept with...

***

"Hello Agasa!" Eisuke said as he entered Agasa's front door. He was carrying a lot of DNA cases for the sampling.

"Meh..." Agasa said in response, "Welcome...Where is everyone?"

"They're right behind me!" Eisuke said moving out of the way so the other people can come in. Several people started piling into the room. Heiji was first, followed by Conan, then Ran, Kazuha, Haibara, Kaito, Hakuba, Subaru, Araide, Shuichi, Jodie, and Kogoro.

"Haibara? Conan? I thought you guys looked down upon me for sleeping with him!" Agasa said noticing them huddling together in the crowd.

"Yeah, well that boy is rather good in bed..." Haibara said coldly. Conan nodded in agreement.

Agasa was greatly disturbed about the number of people in his house now, all with the same question: Who got Eisuke pregnant?

"Okay everyone!" Eisuke called for their attention, "I need everyone to give their DNA samples to Dr. Araide when they're done."

All the people began to comply with this. Agasa was horrified further about this whole thing. '_All these people would have had to sleep with him only recently...' _Agasa realized as Eisuke helped Dr. Araide with the samples.

"So..." Eisuke started now that everyone had finished, "Who do you guys think got me pregnant?"

Agasa only hoped it wasn't himself, and yet, everyone in the room seemed to hope it was his or herself. They all started declaring it was them happily. _'What the hell is _wrong_ with these people?!' _Agasa thought seeing all of this.

"We won't know until Araide gives his sample also and does the lab work of course. But I'm guessing it'll be someone sexy..." Eisuke said with an evil smile.

"It must have been me than," Subaru said standing up, "No one can resist the Okiya!"

A few of the other people nodded at this, as if they know this for a fact. Then Shuichi stood up in protest.

"That isn't true; I _must have_ gotten the shemale pregnant!" Shuichi proclaimed.

Okiya's only response to this was, "Time paradox!" No one really knew what he meant.

Soon the entire room was in a fight as to who got him pregnant. Eisuke, the attention whore that he was, loved the attention.

Then Dr. Araide stood up with the results.

"Everyone!" Araide said to get the attention, "I know who got him pregnant! Sadly, it wasn't me..."

"Who was it than?" Subaru asked.

"The person was none other than..." Araide gave a dramatic pause to get everyone's hopes up, "...Kaito!"

The room filled with 'aww's of disappointment. Agasa was the only one truly relieved and Kaito was really happy with this news.

"Oh God! Thank you so much!" Kaito said joyfully hugging Eisuke, "Now I have a little Kaitou Kid junior I can raise to pick pocket people!"

"Oh no!" Conan cried. "Now Kid's got a kid! Damn it, not another one!"

"Thank you everyone for coming!" Eisuke said getting up, "You may all now leave!"

Agasa was relieved further. _'Finally, I can have the house to myself again and everything can go back to normal...'_ Oh, how he was wrong...

As everyone began leaving the house, Eisuke and Kaito approached Agasa. Agasa sighed at the thought of what Eisuke might have to ask.

"Umm... Agasa, dear..." Eisuke started, "Me and Kaito kind of need a home to stay at while we raise our child and we kind of want to ask you if..."

"No," Agasa said not even letting Eisuke finish his sentence.

"No means yes!" Eisuke said joyfully, "Thank you so much Agasa-chan!"

"No problems...wait..._what_?!" Agasa said realizing what just happened.

"Oh, by the way Agasa, I broke your chair, sorry about that..." Kaito said leaving into the kitchen with Eisuke happily.

Agasa was horrified now. Now he has to live with them?! He panicked to the point he was flailing his arms.

There was a noise of something breaking.

"Sorry Agasa! I broke this really expensive looking vase!" Eisuke said shouting from the kitchen.

Agasa couldn't take it anymore. He ran to where he kept one of his guns, put it up to his temple and fired.

Agasa woke up in a cold sweat. He was in his bed and rose to see the time; it was three o'clock in the morning. _'Was it all a dream...?'_ Agasa asked himself. After a few minutes of thinking, he was relieved that it was and tried going to sleep again.

"Agasa-chan! I need a glass of water!" the voice of Eisuke woke Agasa up, and he screamed in horror as a second voice followed, sounding very much like Shinichi's.

"Me too, Agasa-chan! And you wouldn't happen to have any Vaseline on hand, would you?"

* * *

X'D HA! Best worst pairing EVER.

R and R to tell the author what a SICKO she is for writing this! (I already did!)

~SS

P.S. Seriously, I didn't write this. I cannot stress this enough. My eyes are BLEEDING from the mental images. I hope yours are too. Poor Kaito!


End file.
